My Bill is Back (Take That, Team Eric!)

Yes - my Team Bill T-Shirt (that those swine, Team Eric, kidnapped) has been returned to me. 

The packaging was a bit worse for wear, but the contents were just fine.  Not sure if the package ever made it to Australia the first time around, but it did eventually get returned to sender (my dear Sister, and hostage negotiator, in LA) and then back to me.

I think this T-Shirt now has more frequent flyer miles than Stephen Moyer.

Take that, Team Eric!  You can't keep a good Vampire Bill down, no matter how hard you try.

The Primrose Path Of Tiger's Dalliance

The other day on ABC Radio National a sports manager was being interviewed about how Tiger Woods' extra-marital affairs might hurt his career. He likened Tiger's woes to a Shakespearean tragedy. This got me thinking: If Tiger Woods' story was a Shakespearean tragedy which one would it be?


Titus Andronicus. A play about Romans and Goths. Hmmmm - nope. (Didn't know they had Goths back then. lol)

Romeo and Juliet. A play about star-crossed lovers who choose to die rather than live without each other. Hmmmm – nope, again.

Othello. Play about a Moor (Othello) married to the beautiful Desdemona. Othello kills Desdemona after being fooled into believing lies about her infidelity. Well, only if the roles got reversed and the lies were truth – so, reluctantly, no.

King Lear. Play about a King who tries to act wisely, but fails miserably.  Definitely, no.

Macbeth. This is where Macbeth, a Scottish nobleman, stages a palace coup with the help of witches, but fails. Definitely no - unless there is an interesting side to Tiger's story we don't know about.

Julius Caesar. Play about a guy who pisses off his friends and rivals, who proceed to stab him in the back (over and over again). Possible, but no.

Antony & Cleopatra. Antony lets his affair with Egyptian Queen Cleopatra get in the way of his aim to take over Rome. Close, but no cigar.

Coriolanus. Another in the series of Roman plays. Doesn't really get a guernsey here. And I don't mean a cow.

Timon of Athens. This play is about a rich misanthrope who tries to buy friendship and in the process gives away all his money. He becomes a hermit and dies in the wilderness. Spookily prophetic - but, no.

Troilus and Cressida. All about the Trojan War. Didn't see Tiger in the cast list - so, no.

Hamlet.  This is Shakespeare's most famous tragedy of all, and the one that seems to fit the bill.  It is a play about a prince who can't make his mind up and sends the woman who loves him mad.

The sports manager was right: Tiger's story is a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions.

Next I'll tackle the comedies...

The 2009 “True Blood”yoracle Ho Ho Ho Awards

Well it’s nearly Christmas. Season 2 of True Blood is past and all us Trubies are now looking forward to Season 3, now only a mere 6 months away (sob).

It is also award nomination season. Not to be outdone and having watched Season 2 episodes over and (disturbingly) over again, I have come up with some Christmas present awards for our favourite True Blood characters.

Here they are in no particular order…

The Award for Best Crying, Screaming and Frothy Gurgling (often simultaneously) Moment: Sookie Stackhouse

The Award for Best Sexy Snarl with Helmet Hair: Bill Compton

The Award for Best Arrogant Sneer with Great Hair (shared): Eric Northman and Sophie-Anne Leclerq

The Award for Highest Number of WTF Moments: Sam Merlotte

The Award for Best Let’s Cross That Chicken Before it Burns Moment (shared): Andy Bellefleur and Jason Stackhouse

The Award for Best Gratuitous Washboard Ab Exposure (shared): Jason Stackhouse and Eggs Benedict

The Award for “Being Kept in this Dungeon is Bad for My Skin” Moment: Lafayette Reynolds

The Award for Best “Vampires Gave Me a Really Bad Hair Day” (shared): Steve and Sarah Newlin

The Award for Best Clueless Sexual Innuendo Relating to Puddings: Steve Newlin

The Award for Best 80s Killer Disco Diva Styling: Pam Ravenscroft

The Award for Best Insane Bitch (shared – couldn’t separate these ones): Lorena, Maryanne Forrester and Sophie-Anne Leclerq. With an honourable mention to Maxine Fortenberry

The Award for How to Channel Pennywise the Clown and Still Look Hot: Eric Northman

The Award for Best Cackle Above and Beyond the Call of Duty: Maxine Fortenberry

The Award for Best “My Hymen Came Back and I’m Really, REALLY, Pissed About It” Moment: Jessica Hamby

Ho, Ho, Ho.

How To Combat Global Warming

I have figured out how to beat global warming.  We obviously need clouds to block out the sun and cool the Earth. 

There are all sorts of clouds. There are the normal everyday clouds and then there are dark clouds with a silver lining; cloud nines for sitting upon; and my all time favourite - injury clouds (never seen one of these, but apparently they follow sportspeople around all the time and are visible only to journalists).

So my plan is to have every eternal optimist, every deliriously happy person and every injured sportsperson to come (or limp) together in one place.  I'm absolutely certain that these massed clouds will help to cool the Earth. 

Who needs Copenhagen with ideas like this?

Hey, don't all thank me at once!  Sheesh.

Bad Moon Rising

It has long been known that with the full moon comes violence.  Ask any ER doctor, psychiatric nurse or police officer, when the moon is full, the crazies come out to play. 

A study at an Australian hospital has quantified moon madness, recording that violent psychiatric patients are twice as likely to present at hospital during a full moon.  The patients in this study were often so violent they needed to be sedated or restrained to prevent harm to themselves or others. 

In observing the patients' behaviour the author of the study could see how the werewolf myth might have started with some of these individuals attacking "the staff like animals -- biting, spitting and scratching".

While the study demonstrated that the moon does seem to have an affect on very disturbed individuals, it could not answer the how or the why. 

The moon will keep her mysteries.

Source: The Australian - http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/nation/study-links-full-moon-to-violent-transformation/story-e6frg6nf-1225809982910

The Chronicles of Chicken Little - 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse

From Chicken Little's Twitter feed...

1. I love my new job. Being 5th Horseman is cool!


2. In Georgia yesterday. Caused mass panic in Mall. Almost got Santa with an exploding elf, but plan was thwarted. Dang!

3. Where to next? Waiting for orders from infernal master.

4. Been called to a team meeting. First time meeting the guys. It's so cool!

5. I was really keen, so turned up early. War turned up next. He's kinda mean looking. Has a red horse.

6. Meeting was a bust. War had to leave for Russia, but said I should come along. The others didn't even turn up. Maybe next time.

7. Sat around waiting for War. He came back looking happy, but wouldn't say why. His horse bit me.

8. Asked if I could have a horse of my own. Was told it was "up to management".

9. Heard from management. I'm too small for a horse. OH&S issue apparently. Can have a Chihuahua, but. A black one. I'll call him Dracula!

10. Still haven't met the others. Pestilence is in Nth Korea and Famine is in Africa (as usual). War is in Iraq, again.

You can follow Chicken Little's adventures as the 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse through his Twitter feed:
http://twitter.com/5HChickenLittle

Innovative Uses For Raw Steak

So you have a nice bit of steak - what to do with it?  Should you BBQ it?  Should you prepare it Steak Tartar style?  Maybe Surf and Turf it, or serve it with a nice Hollandaise?

You could always do it Jason Stackhouse style - use it as an ice-pack for a not-so-little case of priapism.

Or you could serve it Florida style - over the head and across the face.  A woman in Florida has apparently been arrested for assaulting her husband with a raw steak after an argument about a slice of bread (the bread's reaction is pictured at left).

That's a pretty mean way to tenderise meat, in my opinion.

Source: msnbc - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4429957

If Eric Northman Was An Animal, What Animal Would He Be?

According to Alexander Skarsgard, Eric would be a lion. 

A white lion, I think.

I can see that.  Beautiful, lethal, powerful and will eat other people's cubs.. er, I mean, tea-cup humans.

RROOWWRR!

Source: Examiner.com - http://www.examiner.com/x-14380-NY-Celebrity-Fitness-and-Health-Examiner~y2009m12d9-Alexander-Skarsgard-on-True-Blood-alter-ego-Eric-is-a-lion

Aliens or the Apocalypse?

Video footage has emerged of a twirling blue light that appeared over the skies of Norway last night.  Thousands of Norwegians reported seeing the light, which at one stage appeared to be connected to the ground by a long blue beam.


Some have claimed it is alien first contact with a space ship emerging over Earth through a space-time wormhole.  Others are claiming it is a sign of the apocalypse (it is just before Christmas, after all, the traditional time for signs and portents in the sky).

If it wasn't for the video thing I'd be thinking it could be the result of way too many Aquavit-fuelled Norwegian parties.

Personally, I am going for the aliens theory.  Perhaps they meant to send a delegation to the climate change conference, but got the address wrong. 

IT'S IN DENMARK, YOU IDIOTS, NOT NORWAY!!

Damn aliens are always getting these things wrong.

Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/world/norway-wormhole-is-first-contact-claim-ufo-watchers/story-e6frfkyi-1225808892785

Epic Fail - The Old Exploding Chewing Gum Trick

In what sounds like a story from the classic TV series Get Smart! news agencies are reporting (not saying I believe them) that a Ukrainian student has died after eating exploding chewing gum.

I know what Agent Maxwell Smart would say:

"The old exploding chewing gum trick. That's the second time I've fallen for it this week!"


Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/weird-true-freaky/chemistry-student-killed-by-exploding-chewing-gum/story-e6frflri-1225808518676

The Love Song of J Alfred Bloodoracle

I hear the travelators singing each to each.
I do not think they will sing to me.

Shock, Horror! True Blood (B)romance?

Obviously devastated by the news that ERW has gone back to Marilyn Manson, Alexander Skarsgård has rebounded with his True Blood co-star Michael McMillan (couple pictured left at an intimate dinner date).


Or are they just "friends"?  lol

You know, guys, you shouldn't tease the media beast. Like all collective beasts it has no sense of humour and is vicious when poked with a stick.

5th Horseman, Chicken Little, Strikes in Georgia

A 45 year-old man dressed as an elf, and waiting to sit on Santa's lap, panicked a shopping mall crowd in the US State of Georgia after talking loudly about explosives.

I'm not sure what is most disturbing: that he was threatening people; that he was a 45 years old and dressed as an elf or that he was 45 yeas old  and waiting in line to see Santa.

The man is obviously a disciple of Chicken Little, the recently hired 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse, whose mission is to spread fear, alarm and panic.

I will keep you updated on latest sightings.

Source: new.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/evacuation-after-santa-alarmed-by-elf/story-e6frfku0-1225806829891

Spider Solitaire as an Existentialist Metaphor

I've gone weeks without solving four-suit Spider Solitaire.  I'm beginning to feel a bit like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern in Tom Stoppard's play, where the two characters are flipping a coin, but can only ever toss a "heads".  Being fictional bit-part characters from Hamlet they are fated to play their parts and then die.  The coin is a metaphor for pre-destination.

If I can't get out Spider Solitaire - what am I fated for?  And if I'm a fictional character whose story am I playing out? 

Hell - if I am a fictional character, I vote the writer gets the sack!  lol

Mind Over Matter - Think Lite

According to research published by Japanese scientists, even thinking about fattening food can make you gain weight.  The research was conducted on mice but it is thought to apply to the human metabolism as well.

I wonder how the researchers knew that the test mice were thinking about fattening food and not some nice bit of lettuce or carrot?

If the mouse model is replicated in humans, I am so screwed.

Lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, lettuce....

Source: abc news online - http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/12/02/2759267.htm?section=justin

Research Into The Bleeding Obvious - God Is Just Like Us

One of my favourite topics is "research into the bleeding obvious".  This is where precious research dollars are spent proving something that Blind Freddy either already knew or could have worked out for free.

It took a combined US and Australian team of psychologists to determine that "people subconsciously project their own views on controversial issues onto God" and thus God's views come to reflect those of his/her worshipers.  You don't say?

Personal Jesus.  Amen.

Source: smh.com.au - http://www.smh.com.au/technology/sci-tech/god-as-it-turns-out-looks-a-lot-like-you-20091201-k3xe.html

Indian Bus Conductors Booby Trapped

The Indian state of Haryana is so sick of its bus conductors being robbed that it has been decided to booby trap bus conductors' money bags so that would be robbers get a nasty shock.

However "sources" say there is still no agreement on how to get the tiger into the bag.  lol

For the real story...
Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/weird-true-freaky/indian-bus-robbers-in-for-a-nasty-shock/story-e6frflri-1225805764610

True Blood Fanfic - Godric Gets Pucked - Act 1 (A First Draft)

Godric Gets Pucked

A Short Play in Three Acts

Players

William Shakespeare – a playwright (as himself)

Henry Fitzoy – vampire and bastard son of King Henry VIII (a creation of Tanya Huff)

Eric Northman – vampire and ex-Viking (creation of Charlaine Harris and Alan Ball)

Godric – ancient vampire (creation of Charlaine Harris and Alan Ball)

Christopher (Kit) Marlowe – vampire and ex-playwright (creation of Karen Chance)

Act 1 – Ill Met by Moonlight

Will Shakespeare stumbles through a London park close to dawn, drunk as a skunk. Following behind at a distance is Henry Fitzroy – vampire.

Will is singing, arms waving above his head, holding a bottle of wine, walking backwards. Singing a bawdy, somewhat slurred, version of the song, Greensleaves.

Will:

“Alas my love,

You do me dirt

To sew greensleaves

On my yellow shirt.

Ahhhh, ha, ha, ha ha! How do you like that, Hal? Oh, bugger me”

Trips, falls flat on his back.

“Oh, look, the moon!”

Henry: “Most dignified, Will. Never heard a better rendition of Greensleaves. Good King Henry would have been be proud, damn his dead rotten heart.”

Will, suddenly sober: “You know, I thought the audience would like the play better, but hardly a laugh to be had, not even a modicum of mirth.”

Henry: “I thought that line of Bottom’s “Thou tottering puke-stockinged miscreant!” was good.”

Will: “Good? It was superb. Those cursed philistines wouldn’t know comedy if it bit them in the arse.”

Will – resigned: “Fie, but it lacked for something, did it not? The Faeries were not right.”

Henry: “I believe at one point there was arse-biting. Puck was an abomination”

Will: “Indeed. Help me up, dear friend? Otherwise my gloom will keep me thus this whole, stinking night.”

Henry goes to extend his hand, but stops, spins around. Listening.

Will: “Hal? Are there footpads about?”

Henry silences Will, with a motion of his hand.

Henry, whispers – “Footpads, no. But worse, I think.”

Henry growls, suddenly a figure appears in the clearing, somewhat disheveled.

Will is dumbfounded. He tries to rise to his feet, but fails, his knees weak with shock.

Will: “Kit? Kit Marlowe? Oh! trouble indeed if the dead have risen!”

Kit: “Hush, dear Will. Oh, but this is ill met by moonlight! Truly it is good to see you again, but you must flee, we must all flee on the instant.”

Henry growls at Kit, again.

Kit: “And make no mistake, you too, should flee your royal bastardship. Two powerful fiends come on my trail. They like me not, though I’m sure I gave them no cause.” Smiles and winks. He leaves.

The two fiends suddenly appear as if transported to the spot. The first, leaning nonchalantly against the trunk of a tree, is a tall man with long blond hair. The other, apparently a tattooed boy, is perched on a tree limb above the man.

Will: “Is this magic? Be thou Fairies? My head is spinning. First, comes Kit Marlowe’s ghost, followed by Fey creatures. What fell circumstance is this?”

The boy laughs: “He thinks us Fey, Eric. How Fey should we be?

Eric: “Not very, I think. I’m hungry and do not want sport, Godric.”

Godric: “You are no fun.”

Henry: “There will be no sport here, friends, not with those under my protection.”

Eric, pointing at Will: “You claim this human as yours?”

Henry: “I do”

Eric: “Does he know it, though?”

Henry: “It matters not if he knows. It is fact.”

Will: “Umm Hal? These are your friends?”

Henry: “I am being polite. But, indeed, they may not wish to make of me an enemy.”

Godric, smiling, hops down from the tree: “You would be no enemy to us,”

Eric moving forward: “At least, not for long.”

Will: “Gentles, please, let us not quarrel. I have an inspiration! Hal, can you not see the giant as Oberon and the boy as Puck. It is perfect.”

Henry: “Ahh, Will?”

Eric: “I am a giant?”

Godric: “Forsooth. More than I am a boy and we are Fey.”

Eric: “What is an Oberon and what is a Puck?”

Godric: “I am a Puck, evidently. Puck, Puck, Puck! I like the word. What must I do to be a Puck?”

Will: “Meet us on the morrow, after dark at the Globe. I will show you how to be a Puck.”

Godric: “Agreed! We should go, Eric, dawn approaches.”

Eric hesitates and starts towards Will and Henry. Henry bristles.

Godric: “Eric, come, I command you!”

Eric: “Yes, Godric. But must I be an Oberon?”

They disappear as they arrived.

Henry: “I do not believe they are Fey, Will.”

Will: “But what else could they be, my friend?”

Henry, looking furtive. “I know not. Not human, at any rate.”

Will: “And what did Kit mean by calling you your royal bastardship? Know you not that, as well?”

Henry: “Indeed, no. What does a ghost know after all?”

Will: “Alas, poor ghost! Poor Kit! I am maudlin. Well, let’s away. I have re-writing to do ere end of day.”

They leave.

All I Want For Christmas Is ... A Blue Fuzzy

Australian astronomers have discovered that the universe is dominated by tiny galaxies called "blue fuzzies". 

Blue fuzzies are small, hot temperature or blue (hence the blue part) collections of young stars that are fuzzy-looking (hence the fuzzy part) when seen from a distance (that is, they are not spiral galaxies like our own Milky Way).

As reported in ABC Science, an average blue fuzzy is roughly the size of the Small Magellanic Cloud - a mere seven thousand light years across - and contains as many as seven billion stars.

Now I know what I want for Christmas. I'll add a dwarf blue fuzzy galaxy to my collection of other miniature things: the pygmy hippopotamus, the mini pig, the dwarf lop-eared rabbit, the miniature horse and the rat dog (sorry Chihuahua). 

Now all I need is for someone to breed a pygmy elephant and I'll have the full set.

Stroy source: abc.net.au
Picture credit: Sloan Digital Sky Survey

Here, Son, Just Klingon to Me

Dr d'Armond Speers of Minnesota (a linguist) only spoke Klingon to his infant son for the first three years of his life in the hope the child would learn the fictional language that was developed for the Star Trek franchise.  Luckily the boy also had a mother who spoke to him in English.  Dr Speers says his son is picking up the language well and has excellent pronunciation.

The child will also be presented with a ceremonial Klingon meqleH (short sword) for his first day of preschool (OK, I made that bit up).

All I have to say is this: Ha'DIbaH!  Why couldn't he have taught his son something useful, like say, Esperanto?


For a translation of Klingon words - http://www.movies-dictionary.org/English-to-Klingon-Dictionary/

Source: Courier Mail - http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,26380766-5013016,00.html

Truth is Stranger Than Fiction - Part 2: Luke, I am Your Father

This one comes under the "careful what you wish for" sub-category.

In the US an adopted man searching for his biological father has discovered that he is the son of cult leader and serial killer Charles Manson.  He is also the spitting image of his infamous parent.

Although he says he is a peace-loving guy whose hero is Gandhi, he has been exchanging letters with Manson.  “He sends me weird stuff and always signs it with his swastika,” he says.

Nature or nurture?  I do hope the guy doesn't believe in predestination.


Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26388459-401,00.html

Truth is Stranger Than Fiction - Part 1: Living Death

Here is a real horror story.  A Belgian man has spent 23 years trapped inside his paralysed body while doctors assumed he was in a vegetative state.  His physicians finally decided to do a brain scan to see what his neurological function was like only to find out that he was perfectly aware and had been so for over two decades. 

The man, who can now communicate via a special computer program, has told how he meditated to help pass the time.  "I cried out, but no-one heard me," he said, "I will never forget the day they discovered me - it was my second birth."



Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26392575-23109,00.html

Furry Zeitgeist

You know there is Zeitgeist happening when a particular subject comes up in the media, on the web, on TV or in conversation many times over a really short time.

This week's Zeitgeist is all about Furries.

For those of you who don't know, Furries are people that like to dress up in animal costumes and have fun.  All sorts of fun.  But let's not go there.

For me, it all started with a discussion of shape-shifters on the True Blood official HBO wiki.  This began conversation about the True Blood character, Sam (who shape-shifts into a dog), and lady dogs.  Somehow this led onto the subject of Furries and that classic CSI episode set at the Furry convention in Las Vegas.

And the very next day we get this Furry story from the ABC News website. 

Reuters reports there is a hotel in France that is offering the chance for guest to live as a hamster for a night.  For 99 Euros a guest can eat seeds, sleep in straw and work out in a giant hamster wheel.  Hamster suit is optional and BYO.

If this was April 1st I'd think this was a joke - but apparently not.

I shudder in anticipation of the next stage of the Furry Zeitgeist.

Source: abc.net.au - http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/11/17/2745682.htm?section=justin

NT News Reports - Croc Trap Clowns

Given my antipathy towards clowns I was excited to see this headline thinking that, perhaps, it might be a story about a Crocodile eating a clown - but, alas, it was not.  The guys involved were not real clowns, only metaphorical ones, and metaphorical clowns don't count.

Maybe next time.

Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/travel/story/0,28318,26360760-5014090,00.html

Bull-Jumping Comes Back Into Fashion

Bloody Cretans! 
(Ancient History joke - lol)



http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,26355406-5013016,00.html

The Collected Wit and Wisdom of True Blood's Jason Stackhouse

It seems that on every True Blood fan site, blog and wiki, it is always Eric, Eric Eric, Bill, Bill Bill. 

Don't you just get a bit tired of it all?

Irrespective of the predictable cries of the "noooo ... we love Eric, Eric Eric, Bill, Bill Bill!",  I think it is time to redress the balance or as Jason would say: "What we need is a divergence."

In this post I celebrate that fine, dumb as a box full o' hair, sex-god, Jason Stackhouse.  And it is his mind (or lack thereof) that I love, as much as his physique.

So to that end here is the collected wit and wisdom of Jason as revealed in True Blood Seasons 1 and 2.

In TB Season 1 we got to see the more (ahem) physical side of Jason, so the audience didn't really have a chance to appreciate his native wit and unique take on life.

In Season 1 Jason revealed that he was perceptive:

Jason to LaFayette: “You’re wearing gold pants!”;

and witty, even under extreme duress:

Jason to LaFayette: "I got gout of the dick!!!"

But Jason's greatest contribution to the wisdom of the ages (and a warning to men everywhere) was his "big bad of crazy' rule:

Jason to Amy: “I should've known something wasn't right the second you walked into my life carrying that big bag of crazy! 'Cause any woman with a purse that big's bound to have something in it I don't wanna know about!”

In Season 2, with his body not much required for anything but exhibition, Jason really hit his intellectual and philosophical straps.

We found out he was a biblical scholar in this exchange:
Luke - "Think you walk on water don’t you Stackhouse?" Jason - "I’m pretty sure that was Moses."

And an existential philosopher of note with:

Jason to Andy: "It's like if a tree falls in the woods it's still a tree, ain't it?"

and

Jason to Andy: “Do you think Sam could turn into a chicken and lay his own egg. Wouldn't that be weird, eatin' something that just came out of you?”

and

Jason to Sam: "I smite thee, Sam Merlotte. DIE!"

We all marvelled at his musing on life, love and the nature of good and evil in these exchanges:

Jason to Sookie: "When you love somebody, you gotta love it all, or it ain't love."

and

Jason to Luke: “Evil is making the premedicated choice to be a dick”

and

Jason to Andy: “Do you think Sam ever turned into a dog and then made it with a female dog?”

and , of course:

Jason to Steve: “I reckon I've already been to heaven and it's inside your wife.”

And who could forget that subtle and profound question:

"Explain Europe to me?" 

I think we would all like to have Europe explained.  Anybody?....Anybody?

 Ah Jason, Jason, Jason, and, yes, I too "love the smell of nail polish in the morning."



Quotes and photos: HBO

Life Imitating True Blood - My Bill is Missing!

Just like in the True Blood season 2 finale my Bill has gone missing!

Well, to be more exact, my "Team Bill" t-shirt has gone missing somewhere between Los Angeles and Canberra.  I am devestated, just like Sookie. 

I'm blaming Team Eric. If there is a Team Lorena, I might be blaming them, too. 

If anyone has seen my Bill, please return him to me.

(If my Team Bill t-shirt returns to me in June 2010, I'll be completely freaked-out.)

The Underpants Infidelity Index

According to the British retailer Debenhams, a recent poll has shown that men only buy their own undies when they are on the prowl for a new partner.  When in stable relationships men tend to let their partner do the underwear buying.

So girls and guys - if you are worried that your man is playing around - check his underwear draw.

Source: smh.com.au - http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/mens-underwear-key-to-fidelity-20091111-i915.html

Chicken Little Announced as Fifth Member of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Following on from the whole confusing "sky is falling" sign of the apocalypse debacle, representatives of Chicken Little have announced that he is indeed to join the Horsemen of the Apocalypse as its fifth member.

According to the press release his duties will relate to "spreading fear, alarm and panic relating to natural disasters involving atmospheric phenomena."  Additionally he will coordinate any avian themed apocalyptic distasters such as the recent Great Budgie Plague in Australia.

Innovative New Treatment for Iron Deficiency

A man in Peru has had to undergo surgery after swallowing around a kilo of metal nails, coins and various other scrap.  He had turned up at the hospital complaining of a stomach ache.

Doctors have advised the man that taking iron supplements is a much safer way to treat an iron deficiency.

Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26339274-23109,00.html

Apocalypse Watch - The Sky is Falling (or is it?)

Houses in Grovedale, Victoria have had mystery holes blown through their roofs.   Could be meteorites or it could be the Apocalypse.  Be on alert, people!

Hey - wait a minute - the whole "sky is falling thing" is Chicken Little, isn't it? 

Bugger!  Not the Apocalypse after all. 

Everybody stand down.

Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26329396-13762,00.html

Not Stoned, Just Gaming

A driver in Queensland was arrested on suspicion of being stoned because he spoke to police about mystical dragons.  He was also allegedly unsteady on his feet and slurring his words.

I argue that these symptoms could just as readily be explained as the result of a long Dungeons & Dragons session rather than a bong session.  The mystical dragons bit is self-evident as gamers do like to talk about the monsters they have beaten.  The lack of balance and slurring of words was clearly caused by a combination of exhaustion and grease and caffeine overdose.

All gamers should be aware of this outrageous discrimination and blatant hobbiest profiling by Police.  We will be watching the court case with interest.

Note to self - never say the words "mystical" or "dragon" in front of a Police Officer.

Source: Courier Mail - http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,26329807-5013016,00.html

True Blood Fanfic - Eric, Godric and Shakespeare

I'm considering writing a short True Blood fanfic story set in late 16thC London including Eric, Godric and Shakespeare. 

It will centre around Shakespeare meeting the two vampires, but mistaking them for fairies.  By meeting these two, Shakespeare is inspired to write A Midsummer's Night Dream with Godric as Puck and Eric as Oberon.  I may even include Henry Fitzroy (from the Blood Books), who will play Titania. 

I think I'll call it Godric Gets Pucked.   Heh.

Will You Have Fries With That?

A guy in Sydney's west has proven that the human male is capable of multi-tasking by ordering his burger at the same time as robbing the drive-through.  Or maybe he misunderstood when asked if he wanted to Super-Size his order.  lol

Source: news.com - http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26324509-29277,00.html

Volunteer Vampires Required!

There is currently a campaign running in the US to encourage people to volunteer their time to support community and charitable organisations.  The entertainment industy has pitched in with TV shows such as CSI and Desperate Housewives including scenes in which characters mention or participate in volunteering activities.

It is now time for the current crop of vampire shows to come to the table on this.  But what kinds of activities would a vampire want to voluntneer for?

Suggestions welcome.  The most creative will get absolutely nothing apart from kudos and the satisfaction of a job well done.

Stranger Than Fiction: I'm Not Dead - Just Resting

A Brazilian man has shocked his family by showing up alive at his own funeral.   His car had crashed, a badly disfigured body was inside wearing clothes similar to his, some relatives identified the corpse as his, but as it turns out, he was not in the car but drinking the night away with friends.

So who was the guy in the car? 

Sounds like the start of a good mystery novel, doesn't it?

Source: smh.com.au, http://www.smh.com.au/world/strangebuttrue/man-shows-up-alive-at-own-funeral-20091105-hycy.html

Extreme Bloke Sighting

Yes - the fabled beast called the  "Extreme Bloke" is still out there. 

I actually caught sight of one of the almost mythical, endangered species today. 

It was clearly an Extreme Bloke, not the more common Aussie Bloke,  as it was decked out in a signed green and gold, Rugby tour jersey and carried  a six-pack in one hand and four litres of motor oil in the other.

Any other accounts of Extreme Bloke sightings are welcome.

Epic Fail 4 - What Happens When I Pull This Lever?

A guy in South Africa on a joy flight in a fighter jet found out the answer to this question when he accidently pulled the ejector handle.  Apparently it happened during some terrifying aerobatic maneuvers. 

I guess he must have thought it was the panic handle - and as it turns out, it was!

Source - smh.com.au:  http://www.smh.com.au/travel/travel-news/passenger-blasted-into-sky-after-pulling-on-eject-handle-20091102-hrz3.html

True Blood - Relapse City

Just when I thought I was getting over my True Blood addiction for at least a while, almost every show on TV has some reminder.

 Here a few examples:

1. Chris Bauer (Andy Bellefleur) on Fringe.

2. Adina Porter (Lettie-May Thornton) on CSI.

3. Katrina Logue (Denise Ratray) on Lie to Me.

4. Multiple Merlotte's Bar set appearances e.g. on Moonlight and The Mentalist.
5. Deborah-Ann Woll (Jessica Hamby) on Law and Order SVU (haven't actually seen that episode yet, lol, but I know she's there).

And add to this:
6.  Michael McMillan (Rev. Steve Newlin) on The Mentalist
7.  Ashley Jones (Daphne Landry) on The Bold and the Beautiful (in my defence, it just happened to be on).

There's bound to be others.

"Every time I think I'm out....they pull me back in!"  (Seriously channeling my inner Al here.)

Alan Ball - Can You Please Explain Europe To Me?

Alan Ball - if you are out there in the blog-o-sphere I have a question for you.

Can you please explain Europe to me?  I have to know. 

Ever since Jason Stackhouse asked that question in Season 2, Episode 4 of True Blood, I have been filled with a burning desire to understand Europe.  I'm not sure I can go on with my life if Europe isn't explained.

I did submit this question to the recent Paley Centre seminar, but I guess since it was a Season 2 question rather than a Season 3 one, it was overlooked.  Never mind.  I'm sure that one of these days Europe will be explained and I'll be able to sleep again. 

I think I'll just go sit down and rock back and forward for a while.

ahhh - lol

Deep South

A friend was recently visiting relatives in Georgia, USA and found this sign out front of a courthouse.

Says it all, doesn't it?  lol

Australia Breaks Zombie Walk World Record

First we Aussies beat the Poms in Robot Dancing and now Australia has demonstrated its superiority over England by breaking their world record in, wait for it, zombie walking.

On Sunday, 5000 zombie Santas, strippers, soldiers, nurses and other assorted generic zombies walked through the Brisbane CBD in the largest mass lurch in recorded history.  This clearly outstripped England's paltry effort of 4026, at the Big Chill festival in Ledbury in August.  Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oy, Oy, Oy!!!

Source: abc.net.au: http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/10/29/2727378.htm?section=justin

Note - the zombies pictured above are not real.

Epic Fail 3 - The Lawman, The Stripper, His Car and Her Sex Toys

A US deputy assistant attorney general on a "lunch break" was discovered in his car with an 18 year-old stripper and a range of sex toys.  And all of this action went down (pun absolutely intended) in a graveyard.  His ass, and the rest of him, was fired.

The couple may have been inspired by the hot, dirty, graveyard sex scene in Season 1 of True Blood, but they probably should have waited until after dark like Bill and Sookie.   lol

Source: smh.com.au: http://www.smh.com.au/world/deputy-assistant-attorney-general-66-caught-in-car-in-cemetery-with-stripper-18-and-sex-toys-20091029-hli4.html

Habeas Corpus

A body has been found on the roof of a police station in India.  There's no mystery how the body got there.  It had been "stored" on the roof awaiting DNA testing, but then forgotten for two years.

The big mystery is that nobody went up on the roof for two years, or if they did, they had no sense of smell.

Ick.

This completely redefines the legal term habeas corpus: Latin - you (shall) have the body.

Source: news.com.au http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26275386-13762,00.html

...Or Maybe Shakespeare Did Know Eric Was A Vampire

When Shakespeare described Eric Northman as a "god" (see my earlier post) I thought perhaps that he didn't know that he was a vampire. 

But a little more research into Shakespeare's work came up with this quote:

“For I have sworn thee fair and thought thee bright,

Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.”

Shakespeare’s sonnet CXLVII (147)

Old Will was a pretty perceptive kind of guy.

Update - "Merlotte's Bar" Set Sighting

The True Blood, Merlotte's Bar exterior set must be the busiest little building in Hollywood. Not only did it have a part as a biker bar in a recent episode of "The Mentalist" but back a couple of years ago it put some supernatural runs on the board in the vampire show "Moonlight".

What will it star in next?

Australian Signs of The Apocalypse - Budgie Plague

If the skies turning blood-red a few weeks ago were not enough to convince us that the Apocalypse was nigh now, in a quintessentially (I've always wanted to use that word in a sentence) Australian manner, two more signs have manifested. 

Firstly, small white fluffy dogs have gone feral and started attacking people (OK. I admit, not very Australian and not very scary) and secondly, the Australian Outback is under attack from a plague of Budgerigars.

With the good inland rains flocks of the tiny, green parrots have bred into millions of noisy, hungry, little flying demons.  Anyone who has owned a Budgie will know just how scary is the prospect of millions of the nasty, little, bitey buggers. 

Alfred Hitchcock eat your heart out.

Photo credit (Anna Britton) http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26264581-13762,00.html

My Pick for Alcide Herveaux - Eric Bana

Who is my pick for playing the True Blood Season 3 Werewolf hunk, Alcide Herveaux?  Australian actor, Eric Bana.  Not only does he look the part (tall, dark and handsome), but his TV and film career amply demonstrates he can portray the mix of sexy tenderness  and out-and-out scary violence that is Alcide.

Eric's Bio*

Eric Bana (born August 9, 1968) is an Australian film and television actor. He began his career as a comedian in the sketch comedy series Full Frontal before gaining critical recognition in the biopic Chopper (2000).

After a decade of critically acclaimed roles in Australian TV shows and films, Bana gained Hollywood's attention by playing the role of American Delta Force Sergeant Norm 'Hoot' Hooten in Black Hawk Down (2001), the lead role as Bruce Banner in the Ang Lee directed film Hulk (2003), Prince Hector in the movie Troy and the main villain, Nero in 2009's hit movie Star Trek.

It's not likely to happen - but, gee - Eric would be perfect!

* Source: Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Bana

PS - and having quick look aroung the 'net there are a lot of people who agree with me.  I think we should start a campaign!

Skate Wearing Bear Kills Trainer

In Russia a circus bear trained to ice skate has killed its trainer.

Call me callous, but all I can say about this is... good.

Fly Me To The Moon...

Well, it was not quite as far as the moon, but two NORTHWEST Airlines pilots were so busy arguing with each other while they were supposed to be flying 144 passengers from San Diego to Minneapolis, that they lost contact with air controllers for more than an hour and missed their destination by 241km.

This does not make me any happier about flying.

Source: new.com.au  http://www.news.com.au/travel/story/0,28318,26248927-5014090,00.html

Giant Seagull Attacks Melbourne

Peter Hitchener, a Melbourne newsreader, was sitting in front of live skycam feed when a seagull decided it was a great spot for a rest.  The crew went into (muffled) hysterics while Peter just carried on as the giant seagull blotted out the Melbourne skyline.  He is such a professional. 

Giant seagulls?  Where is Godzilla when you need him?

Merlotte's Bar Guest Stars on "The Mentalist"

I was watching "The Mentalist" last night and think I saw the Merlotte's Bar exterior set in a guest starring role as a biker bar.  It was in a slightly different costume and make-up, but I'm pretty sure it was Merlotte's.  It didn't even get a credit.  lol

Proof That Shakespeare Knew Eric Northman

"What a piece of worke is a man!* how Noble in

Reason? how infinite in faculty? in forme and mouing
how expresse and admirable? in Action, how like an Angel?
in apprehension, how like a God?"
 
Thanks Will.
 
(* Shakespeare probably didn't know Eric was a vampire - they were secret in those days.)
 
Source: Hamlet by William Shakespeare

I know that technically Hamlet is bagging the shit out of humanity, but, heck, it's been used out of context before.  lol

Warning! Be On The Lookout For Eccentric Men With Turquoise Socks

Be afraid, be very afraid.  According to Italian TV men who wear turquoise coloured socks with white shoes are odd and eccentric. 

The TV Station owned by Italian President Silvio Berlusconi was lampooning a jugde who had ruled against him in a bribery case.

Other Italian judges have now called for a turquoise-sock-led protest against anti-democratic forces in their country. 

Sock manufacturers - 1
Silvio - 0

NEWSFLASH! GOD SAVES THE WORLD...

....or rather the Universe by sabotaging the Large Hadron Collider.

Danish physicist Dr Holger Bech Nielsen and Dr Masao Ninomiya from Japan have suggested that God him/her/itself is reaching back though time to stop humans from finding the elusive Higgs boson, or "God particle".

The Collider is also known as the "doomsday device" with claims that when switched on it will open black holes that will swallow the Earth (where is my towel when I need it).

Of course there is a slight problem with this theory.  God is said to omnipresent and omnipotent.  He/she/it is everywhere, everywhen and knows everything. 

If this is the case, then:
1.  God doesn't have to travel back through time - he/she/it is on the spot to stop any "God Particles" that might be created.
2.  He/she/it would have stopped the research that created the Collider in the first place.
3. God mustn't exist.
4. Oh bugger - there goes my theory.

Sometimes I really hate logic.

Source: new.com.au http://www.news.com.au/technology/story/0,28348,26229233-5014239,00.html

Wheelchair-bound Man Left Exposed to Elements on Mount Snowdon

Apparently a group of well-intentioned martial artists (I kid you not) abandoned a wheelchair-bound man half-way up Mount Snowdon in Wales in a charity event gone horribly wrong.

When they got too bushed to push any longer (sounds like a cue for an epidural, doesn't it) they left him there. 

And I thought exposing people to the elements went out of fashion with the Spartans. 

The heroes of the piece were the Llanberis mountain rescue team who carried the man back down the mountain.

Source BBC News: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/north_west/8313108.stm

Stephen Moyer Falls off Jumping Castle - Decides to Audition for House

OK this is totally fictional, but I just couldn't resist the headline. 

Stephen recently had knee surgery to repair a damaged meniscus.  The jumping castle thing is also just a stab in the dark.  I read/heard (don't remember which) in the media that Stephen mentioned hiring a jumping castle for the kids at his 40th Birthday extravaganza and, somehow, I can just imagine that he might have been tempted to have a go. 

Dangerous things, jumping castles, almost as scary as clowns.

Epic Fail 2

In the Hunter Valley, North of Sydney, a man was caught by police driving at 210km/h while unlicensed, unregistered, over the alcohol limit and with bald tyres. 

Don't you just hate an overachiever?.

"Cogito ergo sum": Sophie-Anne Imagines Herself into Existence as the Philosopher Queen

OK, I’m getting a bit serious here, but I watched Frenzy and read the press, web-site and blog reviews. And then I watched the episode a few more times and then I thought about it for quite a while. This is the result.

True Blood is one of the few TV shows worth repeated viewings, which is a testament to the quality of the production from conception to realisation. Alan Ball may say True Blood is popcorn television, but I don’t think he could write popcorn if his life depended on it.

The True Blood Season 2 episode Frenzy, written by Alan Ball, attracted a fair amount of criticism after its first airing in the US. It was described as being too wordy; filled with exposition at the expense of action and plot development. The scenes with the vampire Queen of Louisiana, Sophie-Anne Leclerq were those that attracted much of the criticism, aimed largely at Evan Rachel Wood on whose head fell the task of bringing the wordy Queen to life.

So who is Sophie-Anne Leclerq and why is she so wordy? Does she spout philosophical wisdom or base sophistry?

Sophie-Anne is an immortal being, who in Alan Ball’s words, is brilliant, “very powerful, capricious and most likely insane.” She has been a vampire for several hundred years, but was turned when she was in her teens. She has accumulated the knowledge of several lifetimes, but interprets it all with the mind of a teenager.

We first meet Sophie-Anne in her Day House. Inside it is a luxurious confection of light, water and desirable things (object, human and vampire). Outside, dioramas of sand and sea block out the real world. It is opulent, perfect, unreal and terribly sterile.

Queen Sophie-Anne Leclerq explains to a somewhat nonplussed Vampire Bill that everything in existence imagined itself into being. She also takes the philosophical position that there is no such thing as “good” (and by extension “evil”) or “time”. She forces her companions to play endless games of Yahtzee which she extols as the “most egalitarian game in the world” as it is based purely on the chance roll of dice and requires no skill.

She is her own creation. She is what she imagines herself to be. The philosopher René Decartes famously posited “I think therefore I am” and Sophie-Anne appears to think she is one of Plato’s imaginary Philosopher Kings (or Queen in her case) and therefore she is.

In understanding Sophie-Anne you might remember the scene in the movie A Fish Called Wanda, where Otto (don’t call me stupid) West asserts that that “Apes don’t read philosophy” and Wanda shouts back at him “Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it.”

Now I’m not calling Sophie-Anne stupid (I wouldn’t dare), but she could be the ultimate cautionary tale of knowledge without wisdom, power without limits, behaviour without boundaries, life without death.

In this Sophie-Anne can be seen as the polar opposite of Sookie, who is wise but not learned, powerful (in her own special way) but ethical, strong but kind and completely mortal.

[This is just my take on Sophie-Anne - I wouldn't presume to know what is in Alan Ball's mind - but I'm pretty sure it's not ACME Wonder Head-Filler.]

Quote of the Week

Roger Rogerson - ex policeman and ex-convict

"They say in the past people respected the police.  It wasn't respect, it was bloody fear."

Those were the days. 

See - I Told You Clowns Weren't Funny!

From Associated Press comes this story:

"Dead deer in clown suit left on Iowa porch.

Officers suspect it was a prank."

I don't think so - not when a clown is involved.  Definite sign of Coulroic* malevolence in my opinion.

*I just made up that word (see link above).

[Note to self. Never, ever, under any circumstances, type "evil clown" into Google images search again.  I'm going to have nightmares for weeks.] lol

Source AP: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33229752/ns/us_news-weird_news/

[Note to self.  Never, ever, under any circumstances, type "evil clown" into Google images search again!]

A Rough Beast Slouches Towards Canberra

That bastion of bland blancmangeness [probably not a real word] known as Canberra is being beset by dark forces.

According to Catch the Fire Ministries pastor Daniel Nalliah a satanic, "black mass" altar has been discovered on top of a hill that overlooks the Parliament building.

"The type of altar discovered on Mount Ainslie pointed to a black mass and the work of dark forces wanting to cast spells on Australia and federal parliament,'' Mr Nalliah said.

Asked what evidence of Satan there was in parliament, Mr Nalliah said: "The number of politicians who have serious marriage problems.''  [By golly - Satan is everywhere!]

The good pastor is holding a prayer vigil on the mountain to “pull down the strongholds of the devil to repent and pray against any evil done in our land including the adverse effects of witchcraft, homosexuality and, of course, the devastation of abortion, so that God will save our land.''

Is that rough beast slouching towards Canberra?  Hardly think he'd bother really - sort of redundant.

Source: news.com.au
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26197969-29277,00.html

Mondays are Just Not Funny

In fact they are so unfunny I'm thinking of calling them "Hey Hey it's Monday" from now on.

When is a True Blood Spoiler Not a Spoiler?

When Alan Ball announces that someone will die in True Blood Season 3. 

Alan told TVGuide.com that "Somebody is going to bite the dust and it's going to be really good to see them get what they deserve."

Well, damn!  I was so surprised you could have knocked me over with a feather.

Now a real spoiler would have been "Nobody Dies on True Blood Season 3".

Kidding.

Of course book readers will know there are two good candidates for the chop in Season 3 - both of whom royally deserve their end.

Roll on June 2010.

Epic Fail

I'm not sure what the moral of this story is - it just works on so many levels.

Recently, two drunken louts decided to go out for a spot of tranny bashing.  The only problem was that the trannies they picked on happened to be some cage fighters out on the town in fancy dress.  Needless to say it wasn't the trannies that got bashed.

Poetic justice rules.

Source: Courier Mail
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,,26182527-5013016,00.html