Apocalypse News Flash - Rain Of Fish (Alas No Chips)

Apocalypse news has been a bit thin on the ground lately, but now comes a story from the Top End of Australia about fish raining from the sky. 

The fish in question fell on the township of Lajamanu which is on the edge of the Tanami Desert and hundreds of kilometres from open water. 

One witness is quoted as saying that "It rained fish in Lajamanu on Thursday and Friday night, they fell from the sky everywhere. These fish were alive when they hit the ground."

Not only have fish been committing mass suicide by raining from the sky, but they have also been flinging themselves at bemused fishermen.  In one case a 30kg (66lbs) fish jumped straight into the arms of one very lucky guy.

All we need now is a rain of chips.  And lemon and tartare sauce if it's not too much trouble.

Source: NT News - http://www.ntnews.com.au/article/2010/02/28/127891_ntnews.html;
Cairns Post - http://www.cairns.com.au/article/2010/03/02/96765_local-news.html

Australia Tops the World in Hearse Racing

Not content to be world's best in robot dancing, arguing, zombie walking and, oh yes, the women's Olympic half-pipe, in a truly sterling effort Australia has beaten the rest of the world yet again, this time in hearse racing. 

No, not horse racing, hearse racing.

Shane Hammond, a drag racer from Tasmania (that pointy bit down the bottom of Australia) set a world record for driving a hearse more than 400 metres in 12.3 seconds, shaving more than one second off the old record.

So it is true - the dead really do travel fast.

Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/drag-racer-in-hearse-sets-world-record/story-e6frfku0-1225832683349

The Chronicles of Chicken Little - 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse

From Chicken Little's Twitter feed:

1. It took me and Dracula months to get to the secret rendezvous location. Why couldn’t they have given me a steed with magical flight?
2. Drac the Chihuahua has such little legs.

3. So, I get to the arranged rendezvous place and the other 4 Horsemen have left without me. Bastards.

4. They did leave a note, though, which was considerate.

5. Not much Apocalyptic action going on anyway, though War has been busy, as usual.

6. I’ll have to ask the guys if Snowmaggedon was one of theirs.

7. OK – of the next location – later peeps.

(@5HChickenLittle)

Brain Fail – Or How I Lost My Underwear

No, this is not a dirty story. Sorry to disappoint you.

Heh.

But I had you going there, for just a moment, didn’t I?

This is a story about how my underwear disappeared out of my hands this morning somewhere between the bedroom and the bathroom.

We all have those DOH! moments when our brain disengages and fails to take notice of what our body is doing in its absence.

I could blame this on getting older, but to be truthful I’ve always done this sort of thing – perhaps it is my ADD – or perhaps it is just a human thing.

My usual morning routine after breakfast is to assemble my work day ensemble, take my underwear into the bathroom, shower etc, then wear said underthings back to my bedroom to put on the rest of my clothes (thrilling, I know).

I’m not sure why I feel the need to bring my underwear into the bathroom; I share the house with three cats and being cats they don’t give a fig what I wear or don’t wear around the house (or if they do, they wisely keep it to themselves).

This morning after my bathroom routine I turned around to get my underwear – not there. I distinctly remembered retrieving the underwear from Mt Clean Laundry in the spare room. I had definitely meant to take the underwear into the bathroom, but had obviously gotten distracted along the way.

And so, buck nekked, I searched all the usual spots around house where I might have left the underwear: ironing board, lounge room, dining room, back to the bedroom, back to Mt Clean Laundry – nothing. I searched again – nothing. I was tempted to look in the fridge, but I have yet to act on my occasional impulse to put random objects (such as tea kettles) in the fridge, but I’m sure it will happen someday.

Finally I gave up and put on other underwear.

Then, almost magically, I knew where the missing underwear was hiding! Like had called to like. My body had stuck the clean undies and bra in the dirty laundry basket. I’m sure my body had some very good reason for putting them in there, but my brain is still none the wiser.

Mystery solved, sort of…

I Killed It My Way - Adventures In Extreme Criticism

Police in the Philippines are on the hunt for the "My Way" serial killer.

The homicidal song, "I Did It My Way", is thought to have become sentient at the height of its popularity during the Sinatra years.

Subsequently driven insane by appalling versions of itself sung in Karaoke bars in the Philippines, the song has hunted down and killed nearly half a dozen [which sounds more than six, doesn't it?] would-be crooners over the past decade.

Police warn that the song is highly dangerous and for Karaoke patrons not to attempt it under any circumstances.

Source: NY Times - http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/07/world/asia/07karaoke.html?th&emc=th

TV News Camermen To Be Replaced By Chimps?

TV executives have made major strides in their bid to replace news camera operators with Chimpanzees. 

Trial footage filmed by the apes has been released by the BBC, but it seems these would-be simian camera operators have a ways to go.

Reps of the camera operator's union have denounced this move as a retro-evolutionary step and claim that, in any case, "the monkeys (sic) are too short to be cameramen".

The Chimps rep said "arggh arghh arghh eee eee eee!!" and slapped this reporter across the face with a banana.

For the real story see: BBC Earth News http://news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_news/newsid_8472000/8472831.stm

Aussies Are Damned, According To Brit Researchers

Once again Aussies have beaten the Brits, this time in sinning.  In fact, according to British researchers Australia is the world champion of sinners. 

In a study of 35 countries Australians were found to be the most likely to commit one of the biblical seven deadly sins.  Australia as the setting of sin central is perfectly reasonable as it is, of course, as hot as hell (in so many ways).

In other results citizens of the USA were found to be the most likely to commit the sin of gluttony and South Koreans the sin of lust.

A notable absence on the sinscale however, is Britain (hmmm).

Which destination would you choose for your next holiday?

Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/national/australia-ranked-world-number-one-for-sinning/story-e6frfkvr-1225824525361

True Blood – Going for Gay Icon Status?

SPOILER WARNING!

True Blood is going stratospheric in portraying gay or ‘pan-sexuality” in its third season. Never shy about exploring relationships of all kinds, in TBS3 we will apparently see man on man love (Lafayette and Jesus and maybe Eric and Lafayette); girl on girl love (Yvette and Pam); man and girl on girl love (Eric, Yvette and Pam); werewolf on human love (Sookie and Alcide) and shifter on vamp love (Sam and  Bill?!!!? WTF!).   AND - HOT SCOOP - also vamp on werewolf love (Eric and weird biker guy?!!!?) according to Andy McKenzie (playing said weird biker guy).

Looks like TB is going all out for gay icon status. It will have to be the gayest show since Dante’s Cove.

(Admission: I actually only watched one ep of DC and even then not all of it. I decided it wasn’t, ahem, aimed at my demographic (although the constant parade of waxed and oiled pecs and abs were much appreciated). lol

Epic Fail - Robber Wears See-Through Mask

An armed robber has donned [I've always wanted to use that word in a sentence] a transparent plastic bag over his head while robbing a service (gas) station on the Gold Coast of Australia. 

I'm not sure what is most dumb - that he wore a plastic bag over his head (risking suffocation) or that the bag was see-through (risking identification).

source - news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/robber-hides-in-see-through-plastic-bag/story-e6frfku0-1225818030535

Stephen Moyer And Horses - Bloodoracle Proves Prophetic Powers

My loyal followers will remember that ages ago I compared my horse Scotty with Stephen Moyer.  Somewhat later I completely fabricated (or so I thought at the time) a story about how Stephen hurt his knee falling off an inflatable jumping castle. 

Just yesterday, news came that Stephen fell off a horse while filming a scene from True Blood and hurt his knee.

Obviously this is my amazing power of prophecy manifesting itself.  :-p

Keep tuned for more exciting predictions...

Epic Fail (Or Is It?) - Sword Swallower Hypnotises Self

A man was rescued by his wife after hypnotising himself in front of a mirror. 

Helmut, also professional sword swallower, was in a trance for five hours before being found. 

This is not the first time that Helmut's career choice has led toto a mishap.  Although not a stranger to piercings (see photo in source article), Helmut's first sword swallowing performance ended with a trip to the emergency room after he pierced himself with a 120cm sabre (that is called an extreme piercing). 

Apparently Helmut was learning hypnotism in order to improve his sword swallowing technique. 

Ahem.

All I can say is: Helmut quit while you are ahead, or, at least, while you still have one...


Source (including pic of Helmut) : news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/world/hypnotist-accidentally-hypnotises-himself-in-mirror-for-five-hours/story-e6frfkyi-1225816925883

Australia Out-Argues Britain and the USA

We may not be able to beat them at Cricket or Darts, but following on from our thrashing of England in Robot Dancing the Aussies have once again beaten the Brits, this time in debating. (Oh, and also the Americans).

Yes - it is true: Australia cannot only out-dance and out-drink the Brits, but can also out-argue them as well. 

All is right with the world.

Source: The Australian - http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/nation/sydney-uni-beats-oxford-harvard-in-debating/story-e6frg6nf-1225816072115

2010 Is Fantastic (So Far)

First, I got my Bill back.

Next, I got 4-suit Spider Solitaire out for the first time in months (existentialist angst resolved).

2010 is turning out to be a fantastic year for me - all four days of it, so far!

Now, all I need is for Alan Ball to offer me a job writing for True Blood and it would be my best year ever.

I don't ask for much, really.

Evil Clown News

Coulrophobes across Tasmania are in a panic with the news that a giant, inflatable, evil clown has escaped from the Moscow Circus and is rampaging across the Tasmanian countryside.

Police have warned people to stay inside and not approach the clown, as it is evil (of course).

OK - so the rampaging thing is a bit of an exaggeration (actually a complete lie), but you know how I feel about clowns.

If you can handle the truth it can be read here: http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/01/01/2783754.htm

My Bill is Back (Take That, Team Eric!)

Yes - my Team Bill T-Shirt (that those swine, Team Eric, kidnapped) has been returned to me. 

The packaging was a bit worse for wear, but the contents were just fine.  Not sure if the package ever made it to Australia the first time around, but it did eventually get returned to sender (my dear Sister, and hostage negotiator, in LA) and then back to me.

I think this T-Shirt now has more frequent flyer miles than Stephen Moyer.

Take that, Team Eric!  You can't keep a good Vampire Bill down, no matter how hard you try.

The Primrose Path Of Tiger's Dalliance

The other day on ABC Radio National a sports manager was being interviewed about how Tiger Woods' extra-marital affairs might hurt his career. He likened Tiger's woes to a Shakespearean tragedy. This got me thinking: If Tiger Woods' story was a Shakespearean tragedy which one would it be?


Titus Andronicus. A play about Romans and Goths. Hmmmm - nope. (Didn't know they had Goths back then. lol)

Romeo and Juliet. A play about star-crossed lovers who choose to die rather than live without each other. Hmmmm – nope, again.

Othello. Play about a Moor (Othello) married to the beautiful Desdemona. Othello kills Desdemona after being fooled into believing lies about her infidelity. Well, only if the roles got reversed and the lies were truth – so, reluctantly, no.

King Lear. Play about a King who tries to act wisely, but fails miserably.  Definitely, no.

Macbeth. This is where Macbeth, a Scottish nobleman, stages a palace coup with the help of witches, but fails. Definitely no - unless there is an interesting side to Tiger's story we don't know about.

Julius Caesar. Play about a guy who pisses off his friends and rivals, who proceed to stab him in the back (over and over again). Possible, but no.

Antony & Cleopatra. Antony lets his affair with Egyptian Queen Cleopatra get in the way of his aim to take over Rome. Close, but no cigar.

Coriolanus. Another in the series of Roman plays. Doesn't really get a guernsey here. And I don't mean a cow.

Timon of Athens. This play is about a rich misanthrope who tries to buy friendship and in the process gives away all his money. He becomes a hermit and dies in the wilderness. Spookily prophetic - but, no.

Troilus and Cressida. All about the Trojan War. Didn't see Tiger in the cast list - so, no.

Hamlet.  This is Shakespeare's most famous tragedy of all, and the one that seems to fit the bill.  It is a play about a prince who can't make his mind up and sends the woman who loves him mad.

The sports manager was right: Tiger's story is a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions.

Next I'll tackle the comedies...

The 2009 “True Blood”yoracle Ho Ho Ho Awards

Well it’s nearly Christmas. Season 2 of True Blood is past and all us Trubies are now looking forward to Season 3, now only a mere 6 months away (sob).

It is also award nomination season. Not to be outdone and having watched Season 2 episodes over and (disturbingly) over again, I have come up with some Christmas present awards for our favourite True Blood characters.

Here they are in no particular order…

The Award for Best Crying, Screaming and Frothy Gurgling (often simultaneously) Moment: Sookie Stackhouse

The Award for Best Sexy Snarl with Helmet Hair: Bill Compton

The Award for Best Arrogant Sneer with Great Hair (shared): Eric Northman and Sophie-Anne Leclerq

The Award for Highest Number of WTF Moments: Sam Merlotte

The Award for Best Let’s Cross That Chicken Before it Burns Moment (shared): Andy Bellefleur and Jason Stackhouse

The Award for Best Gratuitous Washboard Ab Exposure (shared): Jason Stackhouse and Eggs Benedict

The Award for “Being Kept in this Dungeon is Bad for My Skin” Moment: Lafayette Reynolds

The Award for Best “Vampires Gave Me a Really Bad Hair Day” (shared): Steve and Sarah Newlin

The Award for Best Clueless Sexual Innuendo Relating to Puddings: Steve Newlin

The Award for Best 80s Killer Disco Diva Styling: Pam Ravenscroft

The Award for Best Insane Bitch (shared – couldn’t separate these ones): Lorena, Maryanne Forrester and Sophie-Anne Leclerq. With an honourable mention to Maxine Fortenberry

The Award for How to Channel Pennywise the Clown and Still Look Hot: Eric Northman

The Award for Best Cackle Above and Beyond the Call of Duty: Maxine Fortenberry

The Award for Best “My Hymen Came Back and I’m Really, REALLY, Pissed About It” Moment: Jessica Hamby

Ho, Ho, Ho.

How To Combat Global Warming

I have figured out how to beat global warming.  We obviously need clouds to block out the sun and cool the Earth. 

There are all sorts of clouds. There are the normal everyday clouds and then there are dark clouds with a silver lining; cloud nines for sitting upon; and my all time favourite - injury clouds (never seen one of these, but apparently they follow sportspeople around all the time and are visible only to journalists).

So my plan is to have every eternal optimist, every deliriously happy person and every injured sportsperson to come (or limp) together in one place.  I'm absolutely certain that these massed clouds will help to cool the Earth. 

Who needs Copenhagen with ideas like this?

Hey, don't all thank me at once!  Sheesh.

Bad Moon Rising

It has long been known that with the full moon comes violence.  Ask any ER doctor, psychiatric nurse or police officer, when the moon is full, the crazies come out to play. 

A study at an Australian hospital has quantified moon madness, recording that violent psychiatric patients are twice as likely to present at hospital during a full moon.  The patients in this study were often so violent they needed to be sedated or restrained to prevent harm to themselves or others. 

In observing the patients' behaviour the author of the study could see how the werewolf myth might have started with some of these individuals attacking "the staff like animals -- biting, spitting and scratching".

While the study demonstrated that the moon does seem to have an affect on very disturbed individuals, it could not answer the how or the why. 

The moon will keep her mysteries.

Source: The Australian - http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/nation/study-links-full-moon-to-violent-transformation/story-e6frg6nf-1225809982910

The Chronicles of Chicken Little - 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse

From Chicken Little's Twitter feed...

1. I love my new job. Being 5th Horseman is cool!


2. In Georgia yesterday. Caused mass panic in Mall. Almost got Santa with an exploding elf, but plan was thwarted. Dang!

3. Where to next? Waiting for orders from infernal master.

4. Been called to a team meeting. First time meeting the guys. It's so cool!

5. I was really keen, so turned up early. War turned up next. He's kinda mean looking. Has a red horse.

6. Meeting was a bust. War had to leave for Russia, but said I should come along. The others didn't even turn up. Maybe next time.

7. Sat around waiting for War. He came back looking happy, but wouldn't say why. His horse bit me.

8. Asked if I could have a horse of my own. Was told it was "up to management".

9. Heard from management. I'm too small for a horse. OH&S issue apparently. Can have a Chihuahua, but. A black one. I'll call him Dracula!

10. Still haven't met the others. Pestilence is in Nth Korea and Famine is in Africa (as usual). War is in Iraq, again.

You can follow Chicken Little's adventures as the 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse through his Twitter feed:
http://twitter.com/5HChickenLittle