TV News Camermen To Be Replaced By Chimps?

TV executives have made major strides in their bid to replace news camera operators with Chimpanzees. 

Trial footage filmed by the apes has been released by the BBC, but it seems these would-be simian camera operators have a ways to go.

Reps of the camera operator's union have denounced this move as a retro-evolutionary step and claim that, in any case, "the monkeys (sic) are too short to be cameramen".

The Chimps rep said "arggh arghh arghh eee eee eee!!" and slapped this reporter across the face with a banana.

For the real story see: BBC Earth News http://news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_news/newsid_8472000/8472831.stm

Aussies Are Damned, According To Brit Researchers

Once again Aussies have beaten the Brits, this time in sinning.  In fact, according to British researchers Australia is the world champion of sinners. 

In a study of 35 countries Australians were found to be the most likely to commit one of the biblical seven deadly sins.  Australia as the setting of sin central is perfectly reasonable as it is, of course, as hot as hell (in so many ways).

In other results citizens of the USA were found to be the most likely to commit the sin of gluttony and South Koreans the sin of lust.

A notable absence on the sinscale however, is Britain (hmmm).

Which destination would you choose for your next holiday?

Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/national/australia-ranked-world-number-one-for-sinning/story-e6frfkvr-1225824525361

True Blood – Going for Gay Icon Status?

SPOILER WARNING!

True Blood is going stratospheric in portraying gay or ‘pan-sexuality” in its third season. Never shy about exploring relationships of all kinds, in TBS3 we will apparently see man on man love (Lafayette and Jesus and maybe Eric and Lafayette); girl on girl love (Yvette and Pam); man and girl on girl love (Eric, Yvette and Pam); werewolf on human love (Sookie and Alcide) and shifter on vamp love (Sam and  Bill?!!!? WTF!).   AND - HOT SCOOP - also vamp on werewolf love (Eric and weird biker guy?!!!?) according to Andy McKenzie (playing said weird biker guy).

Looks like TB is going all out for gay icon status. It will have to be the gayest show since Dante’s Cove.

(Admission: I actually only watched one ep of DC and even then not all of it. I decided it wasn’t, ahem, aimed at my demographic (although the constant parade of waxed and oiled pecs and abs were much appreciated). lol

Epic Fail - Robber Wears See-Through Mask

An armed robber has donned [I've always wanted to use that word in a sentence] a transparent plastic bag over his head while robbing a service (gas) station on the Gold Coast of Australia. 

I'm not sure what is most dumb - that he wore a plastic bag over his head (risking suffocation) or that the bag was see-through (risking identification).

source - news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/robber-hides-in-see-through-plastic-bag/story-e6frfku0-1225818030535

Stephen Moyer And Horses - Bloodoracle Proves Prophetic Powers

My loyal followers will remember that ages ago I compared my horse Scotty with Stephen Moyer.  Somewhat later I completely fabricated (or so I thought at the time) a story about how Stephen hurt his knee falling off an inflatable jumping castle. 

Just yesterday, news came that Stephen fell off a horse while filming a scene from True Blood and hurt his knee.

Obviously this is my amazing power of prophecy manifesting itself.  :-p

Keep tuned for more exciting predictions...

Epic Fail (Or Is It?) - Sword Swallower Hypnotises Self

A man was rescued by his wife after hypnotising himself in front of a mirror. 

Helmut, also professional sword swallower, was in a trance for five hours before being found. 

This is not the first time that Helmut's career choice has led toto a mishap.  Although not a stranger to piercings (see photo in source article), Helmut's first sword swallowing performance ended with a trip to the emergency room after he pierced himself with a 120cm sabre (that is called an extreme piercing). 

Apparently Helmut was learning hypnotism in order to improve his sword swallowing technique. 

Ahem.

All I can say is: Helmut quit while you are ahead, or, at least, while you still have one...


Source (including pic of Helmut) : news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/world/hypnotist-accidentally-hypnotises-himself-in-mirror-for-five-hours/story-e6frfkyi-1225816925883

Australia Out-Argues Britain and the USA

We may not be able to beat them at Cricket or Darts, but following on from our thrashing of England in Robot Dancing the Aussies have once again beaten the Brits, this time in debating. (Oh, and also the Americans).

Yes - it is true: Australia cannot only out-dance and out-drink the Brits, but can also out-argue them as well. 

All is right with the world.

Source: The Australian - http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/nation/sydney-uni-beats-oxford-harvard-in-debating/story-e6frg6nf-1225816072115

2010 Is Fantastic (So Far)

First, I got my Bill back.

Next, I got 4-suit Spider Solitaire out for the first time in months (existentialist angst resolved).

2010 is turning out to be a fantastic year for me - all four days of it, so far!

Now, all I need is for Alan Ball to offer me a job writing for True Blood and it would be my best year ever.

I don't ask for much, really.

Evil Clown News

Coulrophobes across Tasmania are in a panic with the news that a giant, inflatable, evil clown has escaped from the Moscow Circus and is rampaging across the Tasmanian countryside.

Police have warned people to stay inside and not approach the clown, as it is evil (of course).

OK - so the rampaging thing is a bit of an exaggeration (actually a complete lie), but you know how I feel about clowns.

If you can handle the truth it can be read here: http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/01/01/2783754.htm

My Bill is Back (Take That, Team Eric!)

Yes - my Team Bill T-Shirt (that those swine, Team Eric, kidnapped) has been returned to me. 

The packaging was a bit worse for wear, but the contents were just fine.  Not sure if the package ever made it to Australia the first time around, but it did eventually get returned to sender (my dear Sister, and hostage negotiator, in LA) and then back to me.

I think this T-Shirt now has more frequent flyer miles than Stephen Moyer.

Take that, Team Eric!  You can't keep a good Vampire Bill down, no matter how hard you try.

The Primrose Path Of Tiger's Dalliance

The other day on ABC Radio National a sports manager was being interviewed about how Tiger Woods' extra-marital affairs might hurt his career. He likened Tiger's woes to a Shakespearean tragedy. This got me thinking: If Tiger Woods' story was a Shakespearean tragedy which one would it be?


Titus Andronicus. A play about Romans and Goths. Hmmmm - nope. (Didn't know they had Goths back then. lol)

Romeo and Juliet. A play about star-crossed lovers who choose to die rather than live without each other. Hmmmm – nope, again.

Othello. Play about a Moor (Othello) married to the beautiful Desdemona. Othello kills Desdemona after being fooled into believing lies about her infidelity. Well, only if the roles got reversed and the lies were truth – so, reluctantly, no.

King Lear. Play about a King who tries to act wisely, but fails miserably.  Definitely, no.

Macbeth. This is where Macbeth, a Scottish nobleman, stages a palace coup with the help of witches, but fails. Definitely no - unless there is an interesting side to Tiger's story we don't know about.

Julius Caesar. Play about a guy who pisses off his friends and rivals, who proceed to stab him in the back (over and over again). Possible, but no.

Antony & Cleopatra. Antony lets his affair with Egyptian Queen Cleopatra get in the way of his aim to take over Rome. Close, but no cigar.

Coriolanus. Another in the series of Roman plays. Doesn't really get a guernsey here. And I don't mean a cow.

Timon of Athens. This play is about a rich misanthrope who tries to buy friendship and in the process gives away all his money. He becomes a hermit and dies in the wilderness. Spookily prophetic - but, no.

Troilus and Cressida. All about the Trojan War. Didn't see Tiger in the cast list - so, no.

Hamlet.  This is Shakespeare's most famous tragedy of all, and the one that seems to fit the bill.  It is a play about a prince who can't make his mind up and sends the woman who loves him mad.

The sports manager was right: Tiger's story is a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions.

Next I'll tackle the comedies...

The 2009 “True Blood”yoracle Ho Ho Ho Awards

Well it’s nearly Christmas. Season 2 of True Blood is past and all us Trubies are now looking forward to Season 3, now only a mere 6 months away (sob).

It is also award nomination season. Not to be outdone and having watched Season 2 episodes over and (disturbingly) over again, I have come up with some Christmas present awards for our favourite True Blood characters.

Here they are in no particular order…

The Award for Best Crying, Screaming and Frothy Gurgling (often simultaneously) Moment: Sookie Stackhouse

The Award for Best Sexy Snarl with Helmet Hair: Bill Compton

The Award for Best Arrogant Sneer with Great Hair (shared): Eric Northman and Sophie-Anne Leclerq

The Award for Highest Number of WTF Moments: Sam Merlotte

The Award for Best Let’s Cross That Chicken Before it Burns Moment (shared): Andy Bellefleur and Jason Stackhouse

The Award for Best Gratuitous Washboard Ab Exposure (shared): Jason Stackhouse and Eggs Benedict

The Award for “Being Kept in this Dungeon is Bad for My Skin” Moment: Lafayette Reynolds

The Award for Best “Vampires Gave Me a Really Bad Hair Day” (shared): Steve and Sarah Newlin

The Award for Best Clueless Sexual Innuendo Relating to Puddings: Steve Newlin

The Award for Best 80s Killer Disco Diva Styling: Pam Ravenscroft

The Award for Best Insane Bitch (shared – couldn’t separate these ones): Lorena, Maryanne Forrester and Sophie-Anne Leclerq. With an honourable mention to Maxine Fortenberry

The Award for How to Channel Pennywise the Clown and Still Look Hot: Eric Northman

The Award for Best Cackle Above and Beyond the Call of Duty: Maxine Fortenberry

The Award for Best “My Hymen Came Back and I’m Really, REALLY, Pissed About It” Moment: Jessica Hamby

Ho, Ho, Ho.

How To Combat Global Warming

I have figured out how to beat global warming.  We obviously need clouds to block out the sun and cool the Earth. 

There are all sorts of clouds. There are the normal everyday clouds and then there are dark clouds with a silver lining; cloud nines for sitting upon; and my all time favourite - injury clouds (never seen one of these, but apparently they follow sportspeople around all the time and are visible only to journalists).

So my plan is to have every eternal optimist, every deliriously happy person and every injured sportsperson to come (or limp) together in one place.  I'm absolutely certain that these massed clouds will help to cool the Earth. 

Who needs Copenhagen with ideas like this?

Hey, don't all thank me at once!  Sheesh.

Bad Moon Rising

It has long been known that with the full moon comes violence.  Ask any ER doctor, psychiatric nurse or police officer, when the moon is full, the crazies come out to play. 

A study at an Australian hospital has quantified moon madness, recording that violent psychiatric patients are twice as likely to present at hospital during a full moon.  The patients in this study were often so violent they needed to be sedated or restrained to prevent harm to themselves or others. 

In observing the patients' behaviour the author of the study could see how the werewolf myth might have started with some of these individuals attacking "the staff like animals -- biting, spitting and scratching".

While the study demonstrated that the moon does seem to have an affect on very disturbed individuals, it could not answer the how or the why. 

The moon will keep her mysteries.

Source: The Australian - http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/nation/study-links-full-moon-to-violent-transformation/story-e6frg6nf-1225809982910

The Chronicles of Chicken Little - 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse

From Chicken Little's Twitter feed...

1. I love my new job. Being 5th Horseman is cool!


2. In Georgia yesterday. Caused mass panic in Mall. Almost got Santa with an exploding elf, but plan was thwarted. Dang!

3. Where to next? Waiting for orders from infernal master.

4. Been called to a team meeting. First time meeting the guys. It's so cool!

5. I was really keen, so turned up early. War turned up next. He's kinda mean looking. Has a red horse.

6. Meeting was a bust. War had to leave for Russia, but said I should come along. The others didn't even turn up. Maybe next time.

7. Sat around waiting for War. He came back looking happy, but wouldn't say why. His horse bit me.

8. Asked if I could have a horse of my own. Was told it was "up to management".

9. Heard from management. I'm too small for a horse. OH&S issue apparently. Can have a Chihuahua, but. A black one. I'll call him Dracula!

10. Still haven't met the others. Pestilence is in Nth Korea and Famine is in Africa (as usual). War is in Iraq, again.

You can follow Chicken Little's adventures as the 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse through his Twitter feed:
http://twitter.com/5HChickenLittle

Innovative Uses For Raw Steak

So you have a nice bit of steak - what to do with it?  Should you BBQ it?  Should you prepare it Steak Tartar style?  Maybe Surf and Turf it, or serve it with a nice Hollandaise?

You could always do it Jason Stackhouse style - use it as an ice-pack for a not-so-little case of priapism.

Or you could serve it Florida style - over the head and across the face.  A woman in Florida has apparently been arrested for assaulting her husband with a raw steak after an argument about a slice of bread (the bread's reaction is pictured at left).

That's a pretty mean way to tenderise meat, in my opinion.

Source: msnbc - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4429957

If Eric Northman Was An Animal, What Animal Would He Be?

According to Alexander Skarsgard, Eric would be a lion. 

A white lion, I think.

I can see that.  Beautiful, lethal, powerful and will eat other people's cubs.. er, I mean, tea-cup humans.

RROOWWRR!

Source: Examiner.com - http://www.examiner.com/x-14380-NY-Celebrity-Fitness-and-Health-Examiner~y2009m12d9-Alexander-Skarsgard-on-True-Blood-alter-ego-Eric-is-a-lion

Aliens or the Apocalypse?

Video footage has emerged of a twirling blue light that appeared over the skies of Norway last night.  Thousands of Norwegians reported seeing the light, which at one stage appeared to be connected to the ground by a long blue beam.


Some have claimed it is alien first contact with a space ship emerging over Earth through a space-time wormhole.  Others are claiming it is a sign of the apocalypse (it is just before Christmas, after all, the traditional time for signs and portents in the sky).

If it wasn't for the video thing I'd be thinking it could be the result of way too many Aquavit-fuelled Norwegian parties.

Personally, I am going for the aliens theory.  Perhaps they meant to send a delegation to the climate change conference, but got the address wrong. 

IT'S IN DENMARK, YOU IDIOTS, NOT NORWAY!!

Damn aliens are always getting these things wrong.

Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/world/norway-wormhole-is-first-contact-claim-ufo-watchers/story-e6frfkyi-1225808892785

Epic Fail - The Old Exploding Chewing Gum Trick

In what sounds like a story from the classic TV series Get Smart! news agencies are reporting (not saying I believe them) that a Ukrainian student has died after eating exploding chewing gum.

I know what Agent Maxwell Smart would say:

"The old exploding chewing gum trick. That's the second time I've fallen for it this week!"


Source: news.com.au - http://www.news.com.au/weird-true-freaky/chemistry-student-killed-by-exploding-chewing-gum/story-e6frflri-1225808518676

The Love Song of J Alfred Bloodoracle

I hear the travelators singing each to each.
I do not think they will sing to me.